YAY! trials are finally over! well, nearly anyways! =D Monday's my last paper, and i'm coming home for Raya!
There's only one more month left for AS papers, hopefully i can get all Cs or hopefuuly, ABOVE and i'll be as happy as a bird. It's been quite some time since i REALLY studied for my exams and i hope there will be some sort of consolation in the marks i get for all the effort made.
Alot has been on my mind lately, and if you really wanna know, i'm very self-conscious. Mainly about the way I speak and act i guess, but sometimes the processor lags a bit and i tend to say some things that might hurt, and you know what? I also DO speak my mind. I know it hurts sometimes but I can't help it. My apologies. =)
Memories keep running and replaying in my head, it hurts me so badly and i feel so guilty and remorseful for all that i've done, to my friends, my family and my BF. I've been taking my friends support for granted cos i know they'll always be there for me, i know they get pissed by the way i act sometimes, but i act as if i don't know, i'm sorry for being a B sometimes. I'm a terrible friend, but i'm trying to change. Well, maybe i have, abit. =) My family, they are the only ones i can really fall back on during all the hard moments i face yet i never turn to them, unless the world turns its back on me. Im sorry, mom & dad for being such an awful daughter. My sister always reminds me that im the most loved in the family, because i know that, i take all their love for granted. Cos they will never really get mad at me, i'm not spoiled. I'm just the kind that's all about myself.
and my BF? He's the one most taken granted of. I throw temper tantrums at him, sometimes i yell at him, i argue with him, sometimes.. maybe just to know that he really loves me. Cos i'm a bit too insecure. I know he does, but i kept having those silly thoughts, all girls do. I made him do what i thought what a perfect bf would do for their gf, the worst thing i've tried to do in our relationship was TRYING TO CHANGE HIM. I forgot how we were at first, how we would try adapting to each other's habits, loving all of it whether they were good or bad. Time made us change. But he was always loving, caring, and he hardly argues with me, cos he knows me. He knows me, he understands and he has always been patient. He's the most wonderful person i've met in my life, i regret for not being able to appreciate. I do appreciate, but maybe he doesn't see it. I've been trying to be him. How silly.
She told me i changed alot since the day i found him. He was too special, he left me hanging, i became clingy and annoying, i knew it but couldn't help it, sometimes i go overboard. Cos i was so afraid I would be left out in parts of his life. Gradually, i did. i started to lose rythm and i slowed, i couldn't catch up. I tried to, but the gap was widening. I tried to catch up in other parts, again and again i failed. I'm sorry i hadn't put in enough effort. Im sorry for thinking that you would never leave. Im sorry that i thought we would be forever. Im sorry for taking all these for granted. I love you.
My worst mistake was taken God for granted. At every point of life when i feel like breaking down, i tend to pray. I always told people i was a free thinker, it's true. I pray, i go everywhere. I believed in their existence. (this is not to be regarded as a religious issue, do not get offensive. and this is probably the part you should leave if you do not want to read) I pray to Him, seeking for guidance, only when i thought i needed Him, when my life was going well, i thought i never needed him. Everytime i pray, I cry. But after I cry, I felt a feeling of calmness in my heart. I felt safe. You think it's just illusion? Do not despise the power of God. =) He is all. Anyways, i do not want to be verbally attacked by anyone, so i'll stop here.
All i wanna say is, i fell, but i'm standing up. Still going strong, don't worry.
Just feeling a little empty. And do i really look that difficult to be close to? Sigh. I wish someone would text me everyday. LALALA. I want to feel loved, feel needed.
Im just so insecure, this feeling kinda sucks, abit. urghhhh. hate it.
text me text me text me
love me love me love me
need me need me need me
hope this hynotism works
yes, im just another loser who's afraid of being lonely.
ever since he left, i've never felt a minute secured.
but im so freaking glad God gave me wonderful friends.
Joanne has been everything, a sister, a friend, a COOL advisor and blahblah.
from the day i broke down, she lent me her shoulder, she lent an ear. I knew i was getting annoying for repeating the same stuffs everyday. But she always listens, even when she doesnt want to. im sorry i brought so much trouble to you, thank you for being there. we may bot be REALLY BEST BEST BEST friends, but you're regarded as my best friend anyways! =)
Thanks. Im sorry i couldnt be a better friend.
I've already taken another step up in life. =)
and you can too.
Goodluck. <3
p/s: i do not want to answer any questions made from YOUR assumption. leave me in peace, cos im fine, and i mean FINE. thanks for asking. this is to everyone reading.
