快乐

做一个温暖的女孩
做一个爱笑的女孩
快乐并懂得如何快乐
快乐并感染身边的人快乐
尽力做到更好
偶尔任性，却不犀利
偶尔敏感，却不神经质
乐意和大 家分享所有开心和不开心的事情
高兴，就笑，让大家都知道
悲伤，就哭，然后当做什么也没发生
仅此而已
试着爱上自己

xoxo

First ever post in 2011

My blog keeps on dying, and then gets resuscitated and then.. dies again. This cycle is never ending. I wanna be consistently blogging, I'll just keep trying then. :D

It's Saturday again and like all Saturday nights, I'm not having any fun! So I'm just about planning to start studying since there's a timed-test on Monday. I'm still as lazy as ever and it's a never changing fact lol.

What's actually new is I've been watching Queen (女人我最大) through a blog sort of link that YeeShan has provided me with. And I've also been 'googling' where I can get skin products and things that are introduced by them (Queen) and I've found a site! The products they use are quite convincing, to me at least cos they show you when they use it and some results are like instantaneous and for a girl like me, who acts on impulse.. I AM NOW HOT ON THEIR PRODUCTS! I'm going to order their stuffs and when I get the products, test them and etc I shall show you where I order from. I will testing dulu lah for reliability. :D

Since my blog has been dead for so long and I don't think anyone's reading it anymore, I'd be talking to myself for a really really long time. Doesn't matter COS I HAPPY MA right.

Hereeeeeeeee........
I am also currently HOT on Pink's song - F**kin' Perfect.
cos Ms.PannieJee has been constantly spamming everyone about how awesome this song is.
Enjoy!

xoxo

Dreams

Been having lots of dreams lately , it's weird since I don't normally dream so much . So I decided to google all those that I remember vividly - for example .. Last night's .

It was weird cos in the dream it was very random . So suddenly I have a leaking roof , the weirder part is my room suddenly has kelv's bedside table . == weird max . And the next thing I remembered was me getting angry with my lecturer cos she tore the roses off my NDS's bling , I was so pissed I said HEY THAT WAS EXPENSIVE ! and stormed out of the class . wth ? Maybe I'm just stressed about that lecturer's exam that's coming , next week .

GAHHHH .

my blog is dead . and revived . and then left to rot for another few months and I come back to it again . Wonder why I can't just be as persistent as other bloggers . Oh I forgot , cos Im not a famous blogger . lol

So I googled && , this is the result .

( I tried to make a box but i don't know how so I googled but I don't understand . soo . nevermind )

' your home is supposed to be a safe happy place, but in your dreams it is leaking. maybe this is your way of saying that life at home hasnt been great latley, and home doesnt feel as safe and relaxing as it did before. '

and

' A dream of a leaking roof represents distractions, annoyances, & unwanted influences in your life or new information is coming.'

I figured this wasn't dong much help . So I just typed - dream interpreter into the google machine instead .

And for the angry part , this is what I got -

To dream that you are feeling much anger, forewarns that you will be involved in a terrible and tense situation. Your loved ones will let your down and disappoint you. It also forewarns that once solid ties will be broken. Being angry in your dream may have been carried over from your waking life. In your dream, you may have a safe outlet to express such emotions. You may have some suppressed anger and aggression that you have not consciously acknowledged.

( credits to Dream Moods )

I just remembered ! I also dreamt of my tooth falling ( the fake one ) not exactly falling , more like i bit an apple and it cracked . I woke up touching my tooth ensuring it was still intact lol . This is the interpretation that I got .

One theory is that dreams about your teeth reflect your anxieties about your appearance and how others perceive you. Your teeth help to convey an image of attractiveness and play an important role in the game of flirtation, whether it is flashing those pearly white, kissing or necking. Thus, such dreams may stem from a fear of rejection, sexual impotence or the consequences of getting old. To support this notion, a dream research found that women in menopause report to have frequent dreams about teeth. This points to teeth dreams as being related to getting older and/or feeling unattractive and less feminine. Teeth are an important feature to your attractiveness and how you are presented to others. Caring about how you look is natural and healthy.

( Credits to Dream Moods )

This one is quite long though so if you're interested in reading on , click the link to that post .
There are many sayings to you dreaming about losing your tooth or how you lose your tooth and stuff like that .

I guess I have dreamt about loads of weird stuffs but I just can't recall right now .
Did I ever mention I have had recurring dreams of being chased by two hippos ?
IT . WAS . A . NIGHTMAREEEEE !

anyways , till here then .

xoxo !

lacking motivation

I hate to admit this but I may be just one of your typical average girl where you can easily grab one whole bunch out from amongst a random street . I don't make an effort to be different perhaps because I'm just fine with who I am .

I'm not someone who can blog or write with beautifully crafted words like products you find on shelves with gorgeous wrappings . I'm the one without that kind of wrapping . I'm just simple , plain . SIMPLE . Once upon a time I wished to be different , I wanted to be the first person that catches your eye when you look into that crowd of people . But I guess I don't wanna be anymore , I'd rather be this , simple , ordinary and .. mediocre me . who would care ? As long as I excel in what I do . but that didn't seem to be the case . after so long , I'm still down here , way down . And i clearly know how much effort I need to put in to get there , but I'm still not doing it . Talking is cheap , anyone can talk . But how many can really do it ?

Tell me how you do it .
I'm really tired of me .
I'm sick of standing here and not moving even one step forward .

I want to change
I have to change
and most importantly
I want to be the change .

that feeling .

You know that feeling ?
When you're just waiting.
Waiting to get home, into your room, close the door, fall into bed,
and just let everything out that you kept in all day.
That feeling of both relief and desperation.
Nothing is wrong.
But nothing is right either.
And you're tired.
Tired of everything, tired of nothing.
And you just want someone to be there and tell you it's okay.
But no one's going to be there.
And you know you have to be strong for yourself, because no one can fix you.
But you're tired of waiting.
Tired of having to be the one to fix yourself and everyone else.
Tired of being strong.
And for once, you just want it to be easy.
To be simple.
To be helped.
To be saved.
But you know you won't be.
But you're still hoping.
And you're still wishing.
And you're still staying strong and fighting, with tears in your eyes.
You're fighting.

something to think about .

Right now , I'm a stress-filled person , sitting in front of my laptop blogging away - when I should be starting to study .
I tell myself EVERY FREAKING DAY THAT I MUST START STUDYING TODAY . But look at what the hell I've been doing . Lounging into bed everytime I get home , switch on laptop , do stupid stuff and waste time .

what the hell .
I don't want to flunk , and I'm sure as hell what I have to do to change , but I'm unwilling to .
I find excuses for myself for not doing it , and tell myself it's fine - but what I can't escape from is the guilt , and I'm pretty sure it's gonna drown me soon .

I feel like crying - the course is washing all my enthusiasm away , I guess I'm not THAT person I always thought I could be . What happened ?
I took this course at first , knowing it would be as tough as hell but , nevertheless took the challenge . I know of the sure stress but I guess I wouldn't have new how overwhelming it is till I really felt it .

I wanna give up - I'm what he says after all , and always has been . When things get hard , I try to escape . I'm a quitter .
If i quit now , I would waste the money , and disappoint all those who loves me . And for the sake of my dignity I told myself I will carry on - I am afraid of what others think .

DROPPING OUT on the very first sem ? It's embarrassing - especially for someone who has a huge ego , like me . People are expecting for me to finish this course and - tada , another professional born at graduation . I don't know if I can do it . I'm having doubts , but I can't quit now . Like mom said - You chose to do this , we never forced you . I know . I know , I know . All these thoughts running around in my head . Pushing waves and waves of stupid pressure onto me , and I have nowhere to run .

I wish I could give up on whatever responsibility that I have and just be who I wanna be . I didn't start out to be a person who wanted to graduate a professional . I always thought I could do something I had interest in - Not that I don't have interest in what I'm doing now , it's just that the stress is too great , way more than I can ever handle .

I don't wanna quit now , I wanna try - for once . for myself , for those i love - I'm tired of disappointments , so I don't wanna be a disappointment , nor do I wanna embarrass myself .

All there's left to do , is to just go on and on and on .
Nowhere to run , so - try . :)

I chose this , I don't wanna be the quitter - I'm gonna show you that I won't forever be that girl you see .

I CAN I CAN I CAN .

But I'll always be trapped inside that box . whatever I learn is gonna trap me - trap my thoughts there , I can never break free , like one of our lecturers said - One thing about us is that , we started learning all these principles and know what all that is about , thus making our thoughts trapped , we're uncreative because we can no longer think outside of that box .

NO MORE EXCUSES , LEARN TO LIVE UP TO THAT EXPECTATION
DOESN'T MATTER WHO IT IS FROM
I DON'T WANNA DISAPPOINT ANYONE , ANYMORE .
TALKING SHIT IS EASY - but I'm gonna DO IT this time round .
I know I can
Like he says -
' It's not whether you can do it or not
it's whether you wanna do it or not '

xoxo

just be yourself -

so once again , i neglected this blog .
i blog from time to time , bits by bits - simply because i'm not a 24/7 blogger .
i blog everytime i'm motivated , upset , blahs . there's never a time when i'm normal .

so im here again today , cos - there's a mix of feelings , and it's complicated .
being away from home , again . the feeling is sad , everytime i leave home , i feel more unhappy .
maybe because i don't really have great friends and blahs , PLUS i'm 2.5hrs flight away from home . so , don't compare yourself with me , unless you're further :D

yes , having a boyfriend is also a problem . you wanna chat / see / text him - and it makes your life harder , BUT also easier at the same time .
HARDER - because you lose focus on the things you do easily cos you get distracted .
EASIER - because he's always there whenever things get hard , i throw temper tantrums all the time , but he can handle that . yes ? (:
feel so liberated when i'm with you .

starting the course is the hardest thing to do - i know im not the law type , and i too , DO NOT understand why im doing it , sometimes . but after bits of thinking , this that , it gets through , just like that , and i like how it makes me feel .

but THINKING about it alone also makes me stressed sometimes - i think about both the good and bad - good because i convince myself it's gonna be alright , bad because i think of the worst scenario . Being JENNYBONG IS SO HARD LAH !
can i change my life with you ?

I've been back in Brunei for the past two weeks , after my five days trip back from Kuantan . I felt so happy , back there , loved and protected . I love my family ! <3
That morning , I felt like i could just let the plane fly off , without me inside .
THAT is how being back home makes me feel !

i tell myself things are going to be great .
move on , life won't stop , time won't wait
so don't stop here
the world is waiting for you
go out there
be yourself
do what you want


my future is waiting for me , out there .
(:

all the best to everyone
xoxo