I tell myself EVERY FREAKING DAY THAT I MUST START STUDYING TODAY . But look at what the hell I've been doing . Lounging into bed everytime I get home , switch on laptop , do stupid stuff and waste time .
what the hell .
I don't want to flunk , and I'm sure as hell what I have to do to change , but I'm unwilling to .
I find excuses for myself for not doing it , and tell myself it's fine - but what I can't escape from is the guilt , and I'm pretty sure it's gonna drown me soon .
I feel like crying - the course is washing all my enthusiasm away , I guess I'm not THAT person I always thought I could be . What happened ?
I took this course at first , knowing it would be as tough as hell but , nevertheless took the challenge . I know of the sure stress but I guess I wouldn't have new how overwhelming it is till I really felt it .
I wanna give up - I'm what he says after all , and always has been . When things get hard , I try to escape . I'm a quitter .
If i quit now , I would waste the money , and disappoint all those who loves me . And for the sake of my dignity I told myself I will carry on - I am afraid of what others think .
DROPPING OUT on the very first sem ? It's embarrassing - especially for someone who has a huge ego , like me . People are expecting for me to finish this course and - tada , another professional born at graduation . I don't know if I can do it . I'm having doubts , but I can't quit now . Like mom said - You chose to do this , we never forced you . I know . I know , I know . All these thoughts running around in my head . Pushing waves and waves of stupid pressure onto me , and I have nowhere to run .
I wish I could give up on whatever responsibility that I have and just be who I wanna be . I didn't start out to be a person who wanted to graduate a professional . I always thought I could do something I had interest in - Not that I don't have interest in what I'm doing now , it's just that the stress is too great , way more than I can ever handle .
I don't wanna quit now , I wanna try - for once . for myself , for those i love - I'm tired of disappointments , so I don't wanna be a disappointment , nor do I wanna embarrass myself .
All there's left to do , is to just go on and on and on .
Nowhere to run , so - try . :)
I chose this , I don't wanna be the quitter - I'm gonna show you that I won't forever be that girl you see .
I CAN I CAN I CAN .
But I'll always be trapped inside that box . whatever I learn is gonna trap me - trap my thoughts there , I can never break free , like one of our lecturers said - One thing about us is that , we started learning all these principles and know what all that is about , thus making our thoughts trapped , we're uncreative because we can no longer think outside of that box .
NO MORE EXCUSES , LEARN TO LIVE UP TO THAT EXPECTATION
DOESN'T MATTER WHO IT IS FROM
I DON'T WANNA DISAPPOINT ANYONE , ANYMORE .
TALKING SHIT IS EASY - but I'm gonna DO IT this time round .
I know I can
Like he says -
' It's not whether you can do it or not
it's whether you wanna do it or not '
xoxo
DOESN'T MATTER WHO IT IS FROM
I DON'T WANNA DISAPPOINT ANYONE , ANYMORE .
TALKING SHIT IS EASY - but I'm gonna DO IT this time round .
I know I can
Like he says -
' It's not whether you can do it or not
it's whether you wanna do it or not '
xoxo
